Letting go of a past relationship is a profound journey of self-discovery and personal growth – and let’s face it, eventually, it’s one we’ll all have to face!
But what if that old relationship is still lingering in your mind and your body? What if you’re still feeling stuck, still working through regrets and what-ifs?
It’s not easy, but there IS a way through. Use this new year to truly let go of anything holding you back, and move freely into your glorious future.
It’s an ideal time to release old emotional attachments and open ourselves to new possibilities. Goodbye baggage and 2024 – Enter 2025, and a new start!
First Things First – Practical Steps to Move Forward
- If you haven’t already, limit or cease contact with your ex-partner
- Reduce social media reminders – don’t stalk them on the socials!
- Set clear personal boundaries.
- Focus on self-care and personal growth.
- Open yourself to new possibilities.
All good?
Now you’re ready for the deeper work…
7 Tools for Emotional Healing
1. The Power of Mindful Acceptance
The first step in healing is acceptance. Surrender to what has happened without resistance. This means acknowledging the pain, and being present to the pain. Instead of focusing on the other, focus on how it makes YOU feel. Recognize that the end of a relationship is not a failure, but an opportunity for personal transformation.
2. Appreciating the Past for What it Was
Remember, not every relationship is meant to last – and that’s beautiful in and of itself.. “Sometimes someone comes into your life to teach you a specific lesson, travel with you for a particular time, or get you through a certain phase of your life,” says Inka Winter, relationship and intimacy counselor. “And even if it was a painful or ‘bad’ relationship, you can still pull something from it for yourself. What did you learn, what would you do differently? Can you extract a lesson that makes you a wiser, stronger, smarter person? What kind of boundaries can you set in the future?”
By articulating to yourself what you can extract from the past, you’re empowering yourself to grow from that relationship – and it’s not because of anyone else, it’s purely because of your own choices and insights. So give yourself credit – you can do this!”
3. Reclaim and Rebuild
Sometimes it’s not just the other person we miss with a breakup – we miss the version of ourselves that we experienced through that person’s eyes. Identify aspects of your identity, or your lifestyle, that you miss and wish you had more of. A sense of security? A certain sense of attractiveness? Particular hobbies? Well, guess what – Whatever it is, if it’s important to you, you can rebuild that for yourself, by yourself, on your own terms. Talk about self-empowerment!
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Replace critical self-talk with compassionate thoughts. Consider keeping a self-compassion journal to track your emotional progress.
Remember that healing is not linear, and it’s okay to have difficult moments. Accept that too! And let yourself feel ALL the feelings. Allow yourself crying, grief, anger, frustration. Releasing it – whether sobbing in your room over a movie, punching a pillow, writing letters you’ll never send, or screaming to head-banging metal – is much healthier than denying your emotions, or bottling them up. Only by releasing your emotions can you move through the process of integration and renewal.
5. Mindfulness and Emotional Pain
Mindfulness can be a powerful tool in letting go. “I believe in the power of mindfulness for any emotional challenge, and that absolutely includes breakups and lingering relationship trauma.” says Inka.
By becoming an observer of your thoughts, you create space between yourself and your emotional pain. When negative thoughts arise:
- Acknowledge them without judgment
- Observe them as temporary mental experiences
- Gently redirect your focus to the present moment.
- Focus on the physical and sensory. What 3 things can you see? Hear? Touch? Smell? Taste? These mindfulness techniques will help ground you in the here-and-now.
- Breathe, focus on your breath, and move forward. Repeat as necessary.
From Inka: “Allow space for your anger as well, but be mindful of the difference between anger and blame. Feeling anger is about being present in your pain. Blame shifts your energy and focus to the other person, and creates a leak of energy.”
Which brings us to…
6. Forgiveness Work
Forgiveness can be instrumental in the healing process, but can be very tough to do.
Inka says, “My belief is that you don’t always have to forgive – but it is helpful to know that resentment keeps your ties and entanglements to the person alive. Working towards forgiveness can be a way to let go of this energetic connection, and return your focus to yourself, and what you can control.”
This process of forgiveness includes:
- Forgiving your ex-partner
- Forgiving yourself
- Releasing anger and resentment
Try a soul-level meditation where you visualize releasing energetic ties and understanding the lessons from the relationship. Start by allowing all your feelings, and releasing them fully. then move into a meditation space where you find neutrality and acceptance. Then – perhaps over several sessions – you can progress to compassion, and wishing them well. Even if they were cruel, or abusive in any way, you can at least wish them profound healing, so they no longer hurt other people or themselves.
If you like getting a little more witchy or woo-woo, you can create a ritual where you make this process physical in some symbolic way. Write a letter naming your feelings, and thanking the ex for what they gave you (or articulating what the lessons and power you’re taking from the relationship). And then burn the letter somewhere non-flammable, like in a metal sink (always with sensible safety precautions!). Make yourself a simple talisman with a crystal, or bracelet made with twine, or some other physical object to remind you of your own claimed power. There you have it – you created your own ritual of letting go and moving on.
7. Remember – It’s a process.
Be gentle with yourself – healing takes time. It might take months or even years to fully process a breakup, depending on the intensity of it, the length, and whether there’s complex grief involved. Be patient with yourself. Consistent mindfulness practices can gradually reduce the emotional intensity of past memories, until you surprise yourself one day by how long it’s been since you last thought about that person.
“Just the fact that you’re researching how to let go, means that on some level you’re ready to let go,” says Inka. “Even if you never entirely forget or forgive, through compassion and by reclaiming your power, you can integrate the past in a healthy and strengthening way.”